I won’t quit but I’ll cuss the whole time

Choose your hard. It is hard to be unhealthy. It is hard to have to make doctors appointments around a work schedule, manage medications, deal with side effects of those medications. It is hard dealing with back pain, not being able to breathe from asthma attacks, having headaches and dizziness from high blood pressure. It is hard being tired all the time and getting sick from being tired.

I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.

It is also hard being healthy. It is hard to go to the gym consistently, deal with soreness and pain, constantly washing gym clothes. It is hard to to cook with real food, plan meals, not get bored with what you are eating. It is hard making the time in busy days to get to the gym, make the exercises work within your physical limitations, and pushing your physical limitations to be the best you can be, and better than you were the day before.

Choose your hard. Only one will save your life.

A day late and a dollar short!

So the week of 3/24 was great…until I slipped, fell and hit my head in my own damn kitchen on Thursday evening! That seriously impacted my plans for the rest of the week! Thankfully, I did not have any broken bones or concussion so all is well. Although it did prevent me from doing an event on Sunday- more about that later.

Week 10: -7.2 pounds, 28.6 total

Now after the event on Sunday, I was sore, so no gym on Monday. I did go Wednesday and Friday. However, I’ve been a bit slacking on tracking my food in my BFF, My Fitness Pal. Therefore, I had a result that was a bit of a wake up call. So I’m back at again, tracking it all!

Week 11: +3 pounds, 25.6 total

So my two week total overall loss is a decent 4.2, with an additional serving of a kick in the ass!

John and I celebrated our one year anniversary of CrossFit on July 20, 2017. Here’s the piece I wrote on that auspicious occasion.

It’s been one year since I started working out at my crossfit gym. I was trying to write something profound, but it was boring. Then I tried being snarky, but that didn’t work either. So here goes from the heart.

Earlier this week, someone asked me how long I’ve been going to the gym. After my response, she asked if crossfit gets any easier. My reply? Nope. She wondered why.

“It’s because you push yourself harder and keep going past your upper limits, doing more than you ever thought possible of your body,” I answered.

She left me with the question “So why keep going back if it’s still hard?”

I didn’t really have an answer. So my mind has been ruminating on why do I keep going back, two to three times a week, for a year.

I go back because I am stronger.

I go back because I’m healthier.

I go back because I am taking control over my health and doing something positive to help me now and in the future.

I go back because I’ve learned how to eat better and healthier with real food. When I do that, my body works better in the gym.

I go back because the depression and anxiety that I’ve dealt with most of my adult life are better when I work out.

I go back because I’ve done things that I never thought I could do through crossfit, like a 10k and a Tough Mudder.

I go back because challenging myself has given me self confidence, and shut up that negative voice in my head that tells me I can’t do it when my body says I can.

I go back because of the people, my gym family, are some of the most awesome, inspirational, and motivational people I’ve ever met, and I’m proud to call them friends.

I go back when it hurts, because I know I’m getting stronger. And I may not finish the workout first, but I will finish.

But most important, I go back.

I’m late, and I apologize for that.

It’s been a bit of a weird week. I wasn’t feeling well, then I was ok, then allergies kicked my ass with congestion and drainage.

Ugh.

I was off my regular diet, subsisting on oatmeal, bananas, saltines, and peanut butter. Three of four are carb bombs.

It was what my stomach could tolerate. Seriously, the thought of eating eggs made me sick.

So that leaves me with the results for this week. I was shocked. I was totally expecting to gain, but then again, I kind of expect that every week due to my baggage.

This week I was down in weight! I am working on not adding meaning to the number on the scale, however, it is nice to see a result in some tangible form. Now granted, there are other tangible forms of weight loss and I am seeing them (more on that later) but for now, I’ll take what I can get.

Week 9: -0.8 pounds, 21.4 total

Sorry I’m a few days late- was feeling a bit under the weather!

This week was overall decent with the exception of some food challenges in the office. Cake, cookies, brownies, and candy, oh my!

I want to the gym three times, ate pretty well, and walked away from temptation.

And the scale showed it!

Week 8: -3 pounds, 20.6 total

I am inspired by music. I love to listen to all kinds of genres, switching from Queen to Adele to Garth Brooks in one play list.

While watching the Oscars on Sunday, one song piqued my interest. It was from The Greatest Showman, called This Is Me.

I downloaded the song (Amazon Music, I heart you) and really listened to it.

Damn.

It is now my new anthem.

Seriously, if you have not heard this song, listen to it. Now. I’ll wait.

Here’s a link to the video: Awesomeness

The lyrics are something I totally can connect with on such a deep level, especially on this crazy road I’m on with food and fitness.

The fear expressed in the beginning of how no one would love you as you are and being ashamed but then the affirmation of how others won’t break you down, you are glorious and there is a place for you, for us.

Seriously, powerful shit over here.

I totally can relate! I lived with fear and shame of myself and my body for as long as I can remember. I was different from all the other girls- I had size DD boobs when I was a freshman in high school! Forget the cute summer dresses and bikinis, I lived in t-shirts and and one pieces. In PE classes, (when I didn’t beg my parents for an excuse note) I always hid in the bathroom stalls to change.

I was afraid and ashamed.

But I’m not anymore.

Like the lyrics say, “I am brave, I am bruised, this is me…I’m not scared to be seen, this is me!”

I may be fat. I may have asthma. I may have to scale some exercises so I can do them.

But I won’t quit. I am a warrior.

This is me.

Tags: asthma, crossfit, this is me

One thing I am working on is not adding emotions to the scale. It used to dictate that I had a “good” or “bad” week. It’s taking time, but I’m working on it.

This week was a bit challenging. There was some eating out, late nights, and not the healthiest food choices. No being carb drunk, thank God, but I did a kind of high carb week. And the scale showed it.

My weight had gone up.

This was not the first time this has happened. Previously, I just ignored it, didn’t get on the scale for a long time, and then ate what I wanted.

Not happening now. I’m refocused. I know what I need to do and am choosing this to be healthy and strong. As in life, there will be ups and downs. I just need to move on. And so I shall.

Week 7: +1.2 pounds, 17.6 total

I work in a fairly large office. It is pretty busy too. Often times, people bring in sweets as a thank you gift.

Personally, I think this is a sick and twisted way of saying thank you- here, elevate your blood sugar on us!

I find this abundace of sweets quite challenging because I have a sweet tooth. Correction, I have all sweet teeth. That is one of the reasons why lowering my carbs has been quite an adjustment.

But I am dealing.

Grudgingly.

Today, a delivery came of wonderful, fancy, gourmet cupcakes. I was offered one.

I declined.

I did not even want to think about the amount of carbs in that wonderful few bites of yummy deliciousness.

Then I remembered how being carb drunk made me feel a few weeks ago. That was not a pleasant experience.

I resisted by saying, “Not today, Satan.”

This is not the first time I’ve had to say that in this office- addressed to the offending yet temping carbs, of course.

You can imagine the looks I get when someone overhears me. I just tell that person that I am talking to the food.

One person questioned if the food talks back. Yes, actually, and it is quite rude. You could say it talks smack.

And I do not have time for that.

Maybe I actually am learning from being carb drunk.

Heard this new song on the radio called “Fear is a Liar” by Zach Williams. Very powerful. It went right to my heart, gave me chills, and made me cry. It made me realize how much of my life I’ve lived in fear.

Afraid of not being good enough or smart enough or pretty enough.

Afraid of saying or doing or thinking the wrong thing.

Afraid of what people would say or think about me.

Afraid of leaving my comfort zone and trying something new.

Afraid of doing something for my health.

Afraid of getting on the scale and recording what I eat.

When I first walked into the gym at 5:30 am on July 20, 2016, I was afraid.

And there are still days when I’m afraid. But I know now that I can do things I never thought I could do, both in the gym and in life.

I’ve discovered that fear is indeed a liar. It will make you doubt your belief in yourself, in your strength, your courage, your ability, your will.

It will cause you anxiety and depression.

It will cause you to worry and to be afraid.

My gym is no place for fear.

As for the rest of my life and fear? I’m working on it.

Because fear is a liar.

This week was fairly normal. Normal for me anyways.

Fairly healthy choices for food and I went to the gym three times! I even managed to resist donuts and other assorted sweets in the office.

Yet I was still surprised to lose weight. After making all the healthy choices and doing the exercise, I’m still surprised when I see a loss. Guess I still need some work on all the stuff in my head.

Week 6: -3 pounds, 18.8 total